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Exaggeratin’? Maybe, but I swear, one chick said she’d only hook up if I barked like a dog—fuckin loco, right? Told her, “I’m Tony Montana, I don’t bark, I bite!” Sex-dating’s a trip, mang—half the time you laugh, half the time you wanna shoot somebody. “This is all we need,” Eve says—nah, I need a chica who don’t catfish me with 10-year-old pics. Stay real out there, or Tony’s comin’ for ya—say hello to my little friend!

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First off, I’m behind the bar, and this dude walks in. I swear, he looked like he just ran a marathon. Turns out, he did! He was all hyped about the Kutina Half Marathon that just wrapped up. I mean, who runs that far? I can barely walk to the fridge without needing a break. Anyway, he orders a beer, and I’m like, “You earned it, champ!”

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